Santa Claus is here?? (6WS)

The Santa Claus Parade is Today!!

Well, it's officially the holiday season. Halloween is over - which is pretty much the key determinant for Christmas season kick-off in Canada - the malls are playing carols and Santa Claus is coming to my town.....this afternoon.  This also means that Christmas shopping is upon me.

I've got to be honest, I used to love shopping for presents for my family because I knew that they would enjoy receiving gifts picked especially for them.  It was fun to dip into the stores with the money I had earned from my part-time job between Charlie Brown's Christmas special and the large-scale production put on by my church. The shopping took a backseat to baby Jesus and family time and was joy-filled. Nowadays, however, that joy is gone. My family is huge (and growing) and my income is no longer 100% disposable.  Christmas shopping seems to be one of the largest hassles of the holidays and a major financial headache. I've got bills to pay and kids (ok, kid) to feed!!  Here's the shopping list:

2 parents
3 brothers
2 sisters-in-law
7 nieces and nephews (ages 1-13)
1 son (he's 7)
1 for my son's dad (a gift from lil' man)
2 of Lil' man's godparents
2 Secret Santas with different groups of friends plus one at work
and a partridge in a pear tree....

Phew!!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to (a) enjoy the holiday season without getting caught up in the stress of shopping (b) give gifts to everyone without breaking the bank and (c) find a way to balance gift-giving with the true meaning of the season?  I'll be grinning through the parade as I contemplate a second mortgage to make it through to January....

~gg~

Play Six Word Saturday along with Cate at Show My Face. The premise: Describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. Sounds easy, right? It is....and fun, too!! Click on the button to see what other six words people are putting together.

TGIF

The school I work at is getting increasingly violent this year.  A few years ago the school had a horrible reputation for being academically insignificant and notoriously violent.  It has gotten much better since then, however, armed, violent incidents are on the rise.  This week alone there were multiple fights, suspensions, expulsions and ambulances called.  So this week I am thankful for one very important thing: SAFETY. Mine, my colleagues' and the rest of my students'.

~gg~

A few more children to love

I have been awarded the opportunity to act as "team mom" (one of two) for the Sr. Boys Basketball team at the high school at which I work.  The role involves (at the core) handling the things the boys need that aren't directly related to coaching them. For example: first aid for ankle twists and nosebleeds, a reminder about attitude and language to avoid technical fouls and helping to re-tie neckties before getting off the bus. In short, team moms are responsible for injuries, egos and attire. When I signed on for this role, I was mainly coming out to support the team and help out the coaches, but I realized after missing one game how much the players look for that estrogen on the bench and the bus for a softer care and the fun we have together.

I'm proud to say my boys (yep, all 16 of them are mine) won the tournament they played in today despite some questionable calls by the refs, one ice pack and a few tough mommy looks. I will proudly be wearing my medal alongside them all day tomorrow at school.

~gg~

Twitter goodness

I spend a fair amount of time on twitter and my favourite part of the whole thing is running across little nuggets of brilliance, humour, honesty and inspiration....all under 140 characters.  I thought I'd share a few of my favourites. In no particular order....

~~~~~~~~~~

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear (@SharobKnight)

no matter what situations arise in my life..you are still God, and you are still good. you hold my world in your hands. (@LaLaArdor)

@sheisLadyJ leftover pizza is like the girl that didn't get asked out to the prom but in actuality is the best girl in the whole school (@DOdelisca)

Christian music, concerts etc. can be nice supplements. Supplements are good, but never meant to replace meals. John 6:57 (@ShaiLinne)

RT @BlackCanseco: Imagine if Atheists gave up Atheism every time a famous atheist failed to live up to their moral code?#eddielong (@LionsandLiars)

RT @iRespectFemales: Being single doesn't always mean you're "lonely" and being in a relationship doesn't always mean you're "happy". (@Lisa_MsClassy)

Live in love - Ephesians 5:2 (@GreatBibleVerse)

Whoever said sleep is for the weak obviously never had a midday nap before #sogood (@TAallday5)

As a single woman, I often think about my future husband and how lax he's been about getting in touch with me. (@funnyoneliners)

Great morning. #FF Christ. He's the coolest, smoothest, funniest, most loving man I know. - (@Lisa_MsClassy)

~~~~~~~~~~

~gg~

Quiet spirit, quiet lips

I don't really have a lot to say today. I have tons to blog about: a challenging day at work, prayers for a friend, lessons I'm learning - but nothing to say. My morning devotion reinforced for me a lesson that this outspoken woman is learning: sometimes I need to shut up.

Then Job replied to the Lord, "I am nothing-how could I ever find the answers? I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. 5 I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say." (Job 4:3-4)

So today, (just for today) I'm here to say that I'm shutting up.

~gg~

Starting the week on fire

Happy Music Monday, y'all!!  


I'm kinda diggin' this song On Fire by Cam the Product which I ran across on the West Coast Fiya Website. Check it out, look around the site and have a fantastic start to the week!!


~gg~

Christmas is upon us

I know, it seems like it was just spring break and now I'm hearing sleigh bells in the mall...

I'm sharing this article from the New York Times that I ran across online on NevaHurd.com. Bwoi, let me tell you, this is a fight that I feel gets worse every year -- one that I take personal offense to. Christian holidays seem to be the only ones appropriated for commercial gain and secular bastardization.  I mean, the celebration of Christ's birth (Christmas) and the celebration of Christ's resurrection (Easter) have been turned into the celebration of a fat guy with gifts and the celebration of a chocolate-wielding bunny. Never have I heard of any other religious holy days being taken over by the world for their own gain.  There is no Diwali Fairy, Eid Gnome, special Rosh Hashanah Elephant or Ramadan Leprechaun fabricated to take away from the meaning of that day. Christians need to stand up and take Christmas back: in schools, at work and everywhere else in this world.

I'm with Neva on this one.....2 Peter 2

~gg~

Affirmations (6WS)

I'm loved. I'm learning. I'm Yours.

Play Six Word Saturday along with Cate at Show My Face. The premise: Describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. Sounds easy, right? It is....and fun, too!! Click on the button to see what other six words people are putting together.



~gg~

TGIF!

It's Friday and besides being thankful that it is the end of the work week, I am (more significantly) thankful for joy. If you read this blog, you know that I've come up against some challenges at work recently.  I'm thankful, however that I still wake up with a smile on my face, I'm still able to recognize all the good things I have in my life. I thankful that my situation does not determine how happy I am in life in general. So on this Thankful Friday, I am grateful for the joy I have that supersedes my circumstance.

I have told you this so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! 

(John 15:11 NLT)

(Tye Tribbett - Still Have Joy)

~gg~

50 words

I had a friend issue me a writing challenge today. Write 50 words. Not 51, not 49. 50. Any topic. Challenge accepted. (I liked it so much, in fact that I made an accompanying piece.  Each can stand alone, so it's not like I cheated and wrote 100.)  Here they are:

I had given myself to them to be loved

But became their game time audible -

A last minute play when the first choice was no longer their choice -

And after time-after-time of being the fall-back,

I began to brand myself into their memories

Until this afterthought started to come first. (50)

I gave myself to Him to be loved

After I had accepted impostors and it faked myself.

He loved me without condition,

Without restriction

Until my restricted-rated inhibitions gave way to 

My acceptance of perfect love. 

And I surrendered to His example of what perfection can do:

Love even me. (50)

~gg~

A blog of obligation

Today's post is short. Because I don't want to post at all. Because I'm tired and it's been one of those days I've been having lately where I have to recite the fruit of the spirit to myself before addressing my coworkers. One of those weeks composed of the days I just described. One of those months where I've committed to blogging daily, despite the trouble.

I sat on the floor in the hallway of my school yesterday with a 15 year old girl as she poured her heart out over a struggle she was having about a boy. She is the archetype young Christian girl who likes the archetype bad boy. She wants to save him. He's in and out of jail. She swears she treats her like a princess. He isn't responding to her pleas for him to change.  She doesn't know what to do.  Sitting on the floor, crying, she asked me what she should do. So I told her what I thought. I had been there, played that role and had some honest, older, experienced words for her. We talked, we hugged, she felt better - but she still had a decision to make.

I need that now.

I need someone - an older woman, maybe a decade or so my senior - to share with me their experience from being a twenty-something Christian, career-oriented single-parent who is experiencing frustration at work to tell me what she did. I need someone to sit on the floor with me while I cry my soul out to her. I need her honest, older, experienced words. Her talk. Her hug. I need to feel better.

Maybe then I'll feel like blogging....

~gg~

A Question for God

Why is spiritual discipline so much harder than physical?

That's the question on deck this morning as I prepare for a long day at work and pack for the gym time I'll fit in afterward - when I'm tired and want to just sleep.  I've already touched on my food-related self control issues in a previous post, but outside of that, my self-discipline is, well, satisfactory. Physically.  I'll get up at 5am for a workout, push out the extra few reps at the gym, train like an athlete (even when I'm not competing) all under my own discipline. I know the goal and I'm willing to work for it.  Somehow though, when a much larger, significantly more substantial reward is at stake (see: salvation), remaining disciplined is waaaayyyy harder.

Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win. All athletes practice strict self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I am not like a boxer who misses his punches. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. 

(1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NLT)

This blog is about my growth. This is an area in which I need to grow.....I need to spiritually grow the heck up. It's not that I don't want to be the most spiritually disciplined chick on the block, it's just a constant struggle to purpose every single step.  Only through prayer and grace....

~gg~

For some colored girl (pt 2)

If you read yesterday's post, then you already know that I saw the movie For Colored Girls and was pretty drawn in by the stories. You may  not know that the movie is not a Tyler Perry original, but an adaptation of a play by Ntozake Shange that was originally called For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf. And because I know there are girls and boys of every age and colour who have considered suicide for whatever reason, this week's Music Monday song offers some hope.

This song is called Don't Do It, off of Young Joshua's debut album Thinking Out Loud. The album is pretty fantastic - a solid project all-around - and it couldn't come at a better time.

Enjoy...

For we are not our own masters when we live or when we die. Romans 14:7 (NLT)

~gg~

I am a coloured girl (pt. 1)

I just walked in the door from watching For Colored Girls.

I had no idea how connected I would feel to this Tyler Perry film.

I was sitting in a sparsely occupied theatre, attentive to the movie, relating to the experiences being portrayed by the women on the screen. I was thinking things like Yup, I dated that guy and Don't believe him! I've heard that before and baby girl, don't give up - I've been there, too! (Who am I kidding? I was yelling those things at the screen just like the other 20 women in the theatre.)  I sat there in my seat and felt the same hurt and shame and resentment that the actresses conveyed as the women's stories unfolded. I felt along with them because, I realized, they were telling my story - not all of them, of course, but a few....one in particular. It was actually really difficult to watch at a couple of points - sitting in the theatre with strangers and friends who don't know my colored girl secrets, feeling like I was being exposed. Maybe they felt that way, too....

I left the theatre wondering what happens next? Tyler Perry has a way of introducing and facilitating the beginning of conversations that, although they are important conversations to be had, get left as just an introduction. And then I'm left to wonder where the responsibility falls to pick up the conversation, continue it and turn the words into some sort of action? Who helps the colored girls to be more than a series of almost unmanageable stories, a collage of tragic entertainment and casualties of their circumstance?

As a colored girl, a woman who saw her past splashed vividly across 30 ft of screen, I'm prayerful that this isn't the end of the conversation. (If you'll notice, this blog post is a 'part 1', so you know it's not the end for me......)

Watch the trailer, watch the movie, join the conversation....

~gg~

Stop procrastinating, do it now! (6WS)

Happy Saturday, y'all. I made it through the work week - praise the Lord....by Wednesday I wasn't sure I would. My six words from this week are lifted straight from my morning devotion for today:

Procrastination saps power; completion gives relief.

A truth about myself: I often procrastinate when I am faced with something challenging. While it seems easier in the moment to put the task off until later, it doesn't then dawn on me that the mental strain of thinking about it over time, plus the added stress of having to do it at a later time (when I could potentially have additional challenges to face) will actually make the task harder. 99% of the time I feel better once the task is completed, so the question on deck is: Why wait?

~gg~

Play Six Word Saturday along with Cate at Show My Face.  The premise: Describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. Sounds easy, right? It is....and fun, too!!  Click on the button to see what other six words people are putting together.

Thank GOD It's Friday!!

I've noticed that for NaBloPoMo, a lot of bloggers are going with a theme of thanksgiving/gratefulness/appreciation, so I thought I'd join in on Fridays to share what I'm thankful for. This week has really been challenging but thankfully, I've had reminders all along the way about staying focussed on the goal. Reminders have come from friends, from reading the word, bible study, and music.  My iPod has delivered many messages just when I needed to hear them so on this TGIF NaBloPoMo day 5, I am thankful for the message in the music.




~gg~

A Different Perspective

For NaBloPoMo Day 4, I'm sharing somebody else's words.  Yesterday, I had the pleasure of watching the video to a spoken word piece written and performed by Toronto-based artist, Quentin Vercetty. I am humbled to say that I have shared the stage with him on a couple of occasions and he is just as amazing to listen to live as he is in this video.....and, also, that listening to his work often makes me want to burn my own notebook. Okay, maybe that's a little melodramatic - there is no competition happening here - just an honest and powerful work by a gifted poet, who is also a talented visual artist (and all-around nice guy).  The video for Through the Eyes of a Child is one of those works not easily forgotten.

Take it in.....tell a friend.

[Click here to learn more about Quentin Vercetty]

~gg~

Imperfection

It's amazing what God can use as tools to bring us to Him.

I was on Twitter last night when I got the message: The devil wants to condemn and judge you, putting you in fear of sharing what you have overcome. Share; when you share you overcome the enemy.

After writing yesterday's post, I battled myself for most of the day, trying to decide how much of myself I should share because, well...I act, dress, and think very differently now that I'm a believer than I did when I was in the world. I'm not proud of some of my past moments, but I recognize the power of sharing the places that God has literally saved me from. Sooo....I guess there is no time like the present.

In those days, when you were slaves of sin, you weren't concerned with doing what was right. And what was the result? It was not good, since now you are ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. 

(Romans 6: 20-23 NLT)

This story (performed spoken) was written a while ago...about a time before that.....

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have what you would call an 'addictive personality'.

That means that I am more likely than most to turn a habit into a compulsion, an idea into an obsession. I am inclined to take a casual indulgence and create a dependence on it so strong that I would then be classified as an “addict.”

I think that’s what attracted me to him in the first place. He was my casual indulgence. He made me high.

I was never addicted to nicotine, alcohol, cocaine. I didn’t find myself allowing drugs rob me of money, time or energy. I couldn’t fathom the idea of letting a tangible object control the way I felt.

But ED was different.

I knew about his reputation. I had seen the havoc he could wreak in the lives of the women that gave you the time of day; the ones that were seduced by his charm and manipulated by his lies. I had even heard that he had experimented with some boys. You see, Ed didn’t see gender, race, sexuality….he was interested in everyone that was interested in him. But at the end of the day, he really had a way with the ladies. ED, he was a shape-shifter.  Like a fugitive, he was constantly altering his presentation so that on first, second, and even third encounter, he was virtually unrecognizable.  I knew what he could do, so I think that if I had recognized him from the beginning, we wouldn’t have gotten in so deep.

But I never saw him coming.

ED showed up at the perfect time – just on the sunny side of mourning a relationship that ended at the same time as my self-esteem. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl who was imperfect. Unloved. Sub-par. Unpretty. He saw the potential I had to be amazing. Enviable. Beautiful.

Perfect.

That’s how he got me. With the promise of perfection. And so, I followed his lead. ED showed me that I already had the tools to do what was needed – I had determination, motivation, discipline, self-control. That was the key. I had control. I loved control. That was my drug of choice and he handed me an endless supply. And every time I showed my strength and kept things under control, he helped me to see a better version of myself…but he never took credit for it. It’s like he was my silent coach – never wanting to be acknowledged, spoken of…

...and I was so high.

People were noticing the change in me. They were amazed by my discipline. Envied my ability to work toward my goal. Said I looked gorgeous. Everything he told me they would say, they said and their affirmations fed my addiction.  You see, nobody had changed the way I looked for me.  I did that.  I decided how hard to work, what to eat....and that sort of power was intoxicating.  So, I had to keep following him. Even though he began to raise the bar on expectations.

More work. More discipline. More results.

I wanted the results. But I was tired. Giving in to tiredness makes you weak, he said. Work harder. And I was hungry. Eating more makes you weak, he said. Eat less. He made me punish myself until I heard his words come alive in my voice. Do you want to go back to being fat and unloved and unnoticed? Do you want people to think you can’t do this? Do you want to be a failure? 

Of course not….so I pushed on, giving up one destructive relationship for another. Addicted to the control…not realizing that control was exactly what I was losing.

It was as he began to show his true colours that I finally understood why he didn’t want to be acknowledged. If I had ever told people about the mess I was involved with, they would've told me to turn my back and run like hell. But I didn't recognize him.  It took the careful observation of a friend and her courage to call him by name for me to realize who the monster was that I had come to love.

I hate that he still comes around. I hate it when I see him with other women because I know what he will do to them, too. I hate that his words are still in my head and that when I look in the mirror, I see a girl that needs to be improved instead of a woman that needs to be embraced. And, yes, I’m still getting over him – probably will for the rest of my life, or at least as long as it takes me to not be afraid to call him by name. See, ED isn’t really his name, but rather, his initials: E.D. I've always hated using his name when telling people about my relationship with him. I prefer ED, because his full name - Eating Disorder - makes it sound like something’s wrong with me and, finally, I know that’s not the case.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Update: My mind went back to this time of my life after my little run-in with chocolate last week. I'm praying about it (I hope you will, too)...God's working on me. But I'm blessed and free from this type of addiction today.

~gg~

My little addiction....

The first thought in my head when I woke up last Sunday morning was, "Uuughh....I can't believe I ate six chocolate bars yesterday." And they weren't the mini Halloween-type chocolates that you can get away with eating four or five of without anyone batting an eye. These were full sized, Skor, Milky Way and Twix bars (even one King Size) that I downed over the course of an afternoon with my family over a football game and shopping. On Sunday morning I was so ashamed of my over-indulgence that I jumped on my brother's stair climber and desperately tried to out-step my chocolate sin.

12 minutes into the workout I realized I was in hot water. (But that's tomorrow's story.)

Anyhoo, when I came home from visiting my brother in Chicago and returned to work, I told my co-worker (let's call her Ms. Churchy) about the excessive snacking and we decided to go on a week-long fast of our vices. Today happens to be Day 7 of that fast and I find myself counting down the hours until I can have a little Twix bar. (I bought some of that discount Halloween on Nov 1st as incentives for my students and plan to eat a few myself.  I may not celebrate with ghouls and goblins, but I'll sure as heck take advantage of the discounts!!)  Here's the thing: going 7 days with no sweets hasnt' really been all that hard. Yeah, I see a treat and would like to have it, but I can walk away without breaking into a cold sweat.  What I do have a problem with is stopping when I start.  So tomorrow when I arrive at work I'm going to peel back the golden wrapper on that 10g log of goodness and enjoy every morsel of it slowly......then I'll likely pocket a handful of them and finish them all before the national anthem starts.  Once I open the floodgates it's hard to stop.

I don't really want to swear off chocolate forever, but I lack self-control in this area and, though chocolate may not seem like a big deal, a lack of self-control certainly is. Don't trust me, trust the Word:

Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop these virtues are blind or, at least, very shortsighted. They have already forgotten that God has cleansed them from their old life of sin. (2 Peter 1: 6-9 NLT)

My only answer for this is the same answer that I have for resiting other temptations that I can predict/foresee, and that is by not putting myself in situations that might cause me to fall/(over)indulge. At this point it's not really the chocolate - it's the principle - that I'm concerned with.  So, I'm keeping the bags (yes, bags) of Halloween candy at work, not at home. I've told Ms. Churchy about my struggle and asked for her support to keep me accountable. I'm praying continually for God to keep me from situations in which I might be tempted and for the strength to resist when I do come upon temptation.

I'll keep ya updated....

~gg~

NaBloPoMo.......aaaaannnnnd Go!!

Well, the badge basically says it all.  NaBloPoMo = National Blog Posting Month. (Get info/join in here.) November has 30 days. This blog will have a(t least one) post on each of those 30 days.  I've never participated in this before, so I'm hoping I can keep up, but I am committing to the challenge.  Nothing like a little motivation to post regularly on a new blog.....


Music Monday will count as my first post of the challenge.  See ya tomorrow....

~gg~

Music Monday

I need to listen to this song every single morning so that I remember to play the background and let God take the lead. The more I remember this, the easier life becomes and the more successful I am at overcoming daily challenges and tests. Enjoy Background by Lecrae ft. C-Lite on this Music Monday.







~gg~

A letter to my Son (Six Word Saturday)

Sometimes I write things that I can't say out loud, either because I don't have the confidence or opportunity. My son (and the love of my life) is a well-adjusted, happy seven-year-old, but I often wonder how my choices will affect him and for some of those choices, I feel he deserves an apology. 

I wrote this a while back and never did anything with it...in fact, I think I wrote this just before I wrote Baby Mama (I'll link to that piece once I post it.) But today's six words just describe what is embedded in this piece:

A Letter Written to my Son

There's something about holding a pen to the paper helps me to release...

It is as if writing helps me to purge my mind of the offensive thoughts that are held as prisoners in these brain cells.
"Silence!" is what my brain yells
as memories, regrets and wishes fight each other for a chance to escape.
Even when I am not writing about you
or about the things I wish I could do
or about the truths in my life that I wish were un-true,
the deeds I wish I could un-do....
writing helps me to break away from the thoughts that circulate through my system
and like a cholesterol-rich diet, clog up my natural and necessary functioning,
causing my heart to ache and often to arrest,
slowing to a halt in my chest.
But somehow,
picking up a pen changes that.
My thoughts run back
from my heart, through my veins.
My pen cuts me at the fingers and my thoughts bleed on the page,
showing my eyes my very own real.
I can write the words i cannot say
(and often wish I could not feel.)

Words like:

Dear Baby Boy,

Please forgive me for all the things i can't be to you.
For being young
and strong
and ambitions
and wrong
a lot of the time.
For having so many questions
but not all of your answers.

I'm sorry.

For not being able to teach you how to stand to pee.
For our own definition of the word family...
which means that sometimes I can be there to tuck you in at night,
turn off the light,
and check under your bed for monsters.
I'm sorry that sometimes I take up a space on your bed.
It's just that, like Aerosmith said:
I would stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
because with that sound and smile in my head
it's not as hard for me to leave you with grandma and papa so I can try to give you all the things you need
and some of the things you want, too.
Even though sometimes my best won't do...
I'll try for you.

I'm sorry.

For letting him treat me differently than I hope you will treat a woman one day.
For the things I let him say.
For the amount of time I stayed.
You never saw those things - just mommy's tears,
but even that was too much...
I hope that, through  my whispered prayers at night,
your memories can instead be shaped
by the smile you see (that you've put on my face)
and the happiness found by God's grace
that gives me the strength to keep writing.

To keep fighting
for us both.
----------

Play Six Word Saturday along with Cate at Show My Face.  The premise: Describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. Sounds easy, right? It is....and fun, too!!  Click on the button to see what other six words people are putting together.

~gg~

Confessions and struggles

I'm a great actor. No, seriously, I am.  I had my church family convinced (for years) that I was a model Christian. At the same time, I had my teachers convinced that I was a model student, had my boyfriends convinced that I was a ride or die chick and had my parents convinced that I was still their innocent angel.  Me and God were the only ones who knew what I really was: lost and confused.

A Work in Progress isn't my first blog. It's actually my third. I ran a blog called Pen to Pages for the greater portion of the last year.  It mainly focussed on my writing and spoken word-related activities, and had some content that's a bit questionable in terms of what I would now consider appropriate. So I shut it down. Actually, I shut it down, went into hiding, changed my pen name and hauled booty to a new blog. Twice.

Now, I tell you these seemingly unrelated pieces of information to illustrate my struggle - the need to look perfect in every situation. I reeeaaallly struggle with appearances.  Not physically as much, but what is appropriate for the situation. I know I'm imperfect (see the name of the blog), but there's something about my journey to get closer to God that, for some reason, I feel needs to look a certain way. So I abandoned my old blog, cut off my followers and built this one as a separate blogger so I could have a fresh start. In speaking with my brother about the new blog, he pointed out that my selfishness (my word, not his) could actually be robbing people of the opportunity to see what God can do. Really, what's the point of this blog if I'm going to be selective with sharing the amazing, life-changing joy I have since letting God do what He does??  I had built a reputation of being a talented writer and an hurt, angry, single woman - used by a number of past relationships and damaged by bad decisions - but none of my past blog-followers get to see the other side of the coin.

This is a part of my struggle: to stop trying to make things look the way I want them to look and get out of God's way. Pride sucks.

The day is coming when your pride will be brought low and the LORD alone will be exalted. 

Isaiah 2:11

I hope so....

~gg~

Music Monday

I love music. There are few things I like more. So when I find a good song, there is nothing that hurts my ears more than a bad remix of it.  Fortunately, this remix is not of the ear-hurting variety.  It's a G.O.D. rendition of Chris Brown's Duces - now with a Jesus twist.

Agree? Disagree? Whaddya think?

~gg~

Six Word Saturday

Actions do speak louder than words

I guess it should be expected that when you live/speak/behave a certain way for, oh, over a quarter of a century, changing this pattern is going to come as a surprise to people who know you. Nevertheless, I'm still getting used to it when I politely decline to join my friends at bar or club (for example) and then they make this face:

"Why not??"

Then after I explain why I'm not really into that type of entertainment anymore, I get this: "Oh! So, you're serious about this God thing!"

Yeah. I am. But I guess I'll just have to let my actions be the proof. After all, talk is cheap, right?

~gg~
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Join Cate over at Show my Face every Saturday as she hosts Six Word Saturdays. Click on the button to see what six words others have to share and, maybe, share your own.

Conversations with God

I was angry with God last week. 

"Why?" you may ask. Well....in short, because I asked Him for something and He gave it to me. Then I realized I didn't really want it. So I was mad. Should've been at myself, but......work in progress. Here's how it went down:
** names have been changed to protect he innocent :) **


Me: Dear Heavenly Father, please show me Jerky McNice-Guy's true colours.

God: Okay.


(Time elapses)

Me: Dear Dad, I don't understand why Jerky McNice-Guy is being so much jerkier to me all of a sudden.

God: Uh, remember that conversation we had a little while back? Well, there you go - true colours, as promised. 

Me: Noooo!! That's not what I meant.  What I meant was, "Please make Jerky McNice-Guy into Friendly McCool-Dude!!"

God: Yeah.....that's not what you said at all. Trust me, this way is better. Love you!

So, I was mad at God. Even though He gave me what I had asked and confirmed what I already suspected. My comfort came in knowing that He knows better than I do. So, it's all working for my good. An early heads up is appreciated.....

....but it took a minute for me to appreciate it. 

Thanks God.

~gg~

Music Monday

Today's choice: Fly Away by Rhema Soul off their Album Fingerprints (which is currently on repeat on my iPod). 

Happy Music Monday....Enjoy!

~gg~

Something I learned in church today

My church is currently doing a 10-week focus on the 10 commandments and today's sermon was on:

"You shall not murder." Exodus 20:13 (NIV)

On the surface, this one seems pretty easy.  Do not pick up, use or wield any instrument or part of your body to intentionally end another human's life. No problem. I'll leave the gun at the shooting range, the knives in the kitchen.  Christians and non-Christians alike are usually in agreement on this one.  However, as my pastor began getting deeper into the message, he illustrated how this particular commandment gets glossed over when looking at issues that are slightly more controversial in the world.  Case in point - abortion.

I saw a video a week or so ago that will stay with me forever and it couples nicely with today's message. It's the story of an abortion survivor. Yep, you read that right.

Listen to her story...

~gg~

This week's challenge

Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good.

(Romans 12:9 NLT)

This is my current struggle. Let's face it, not everyone in our lives is easy to love. It might be a family member, a friend we've had for years, a classmate, a supervisor or a co-worker (that last one was for me!) - but there is someone who knows how to push out buttons.  Recently, I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be nice to the person in my life who is like that.  "If nothing else," I thought "I'll just pretend to like her."

Then I read Romans.

This particular passage of scripture doesn't say anything about me having to be her best friend, but it does say that my love should be genuine. I'm not just glossing over with a smile and then cursing her behind her back....which I'm tempted to do sometimes. So, I'm praying for a forgiving and patient heart without hate or malice and the capacity to genuinely love....even her. 

I told you guys already: I'm a work in progress.

~gg~

How'd I get HERE??!?

I grew up in church. So, God and Jesus and salvation and the whole deal isn't exactly new to me. What is new is the concept that, well, any of that matters in my life.

I used to go to church with my parents and my brothers every Sunday, dressed up in my good clothes, with an ever-increasing indifference to the reason we were spending a quarter of the weekend at this building. I would play with my friends, sing a few songs, learn about a whale or a (now vacant) garden and then chuck the information into the back of my mind until we would rinse and repeat the following week. They were nice stories, but I just wanted to see my friends - especially as I became a teenager. I mean, we had all grown up together in that church and I wanted to get back to them to find out what had happened in their lives during the six days we had been separated. I actually gave my life to God at one point when I was younger, but the act was discredited by so many adults around me, that I soon believed that it was insignificant and returned to doing what I wanted to do. I gave God 5 hours of my Sunday every week, broken up by social exercises for my socio-emotional development. Then I tucked Him away with my teen study bible for a week.

Then I tucked Him away for a few years.

My trips to church became less frequent as I got older, as my friends moved on or away and as I began to make choices that "church folk" frown upon. I wasn't one to deal with the anticipated judgment, so I kept my pregnant belly and unwed self at home....where it was safe from the disapproving stares of those who I had come to know as my extended family. I was 19 and pregnant 6 weeks into my freshman year of university and acutely unaware of the challenges that would visit me as I continued through life trying to do things all by myself. I wish I had known then what I know now; I could have saved myself years of stress and trouble.

Fast forward through: ending the relationship with my son's father, multiple emotionally abusive relationships, an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, copious amounts of self-destructive behaviour, and countless bad decisions to a time of a complete and utter loss of control.  I was doing whatever - really, whatever -  I wanted to make myself feel better and nothing was working. I couldn't drink away the hurt. I couldn't find happiness in the guys I was with. I needed more. The only thing I was doing well was being a mother and I was running out of energy and drive to do that.

I needed to be filled up because I was running on Empty.

I never forgot about God. I just never asked Him to do what I was trying to do myself. Something inside me would always flash to Him in time of trouble, but I had no faith that trusting Him would be better than what I was doing. That is, until I recognized Him as the only possible answer to my hundred thousand questions.

One day, I met a man that had a past like mine - full of bad decisions and stress.  We were performing in a show together and got to talking. He told me that he had come into a relationship with Christ while serving time in jail.  During the conversation, I couldn't help but take notice of the calm and contentment that he had and it was exactly what I was seeking. I wanted what he had and when he told me what it was - a new life in Christ....I realized that it wasn't enough to just know about God; I had to start trusting Him.

My life was different from that day. I stopped looking within the world for the solutions to my broken-ness and called, unabashedly, on Christ to do what He came to do - take all that mess on his shoulders so I don't have to feel its weight. I got a fresh start!!

God's still working on me. I'm still working on letting go of the thought that I know better. I'm a work in progress, but I see (and feel) the difference of having God directing my life everyday.  So, now I'm just trying to figure out how to multiply that feeling, keep it, get deeper into it. Letting Him in was the easy part - I just had to say what I already knew:

I'm messing up. I'm sorry. I'm ready to do something different.

The hardest part has been trying to cut out the stuff I've come to rely on, but it's a process. I hope that by writing about my journey, it will help me to do better, to be better. But I never imagined it could even be this good....

Video: Imagine by Yomi - www.myspace.com/theofficialyomi

~gg~

Independent Woman

I was trying to find a balance
But with so many conflicting viewpoints, achieving it was quite a challenge.
I wanted to exist somewhere between being Miss Independent and doing my own thing
And allowing myself to want the man who'd dress my finger with a ring.
And, here's the thing:
Yeah, the piece of jewelery is nice,
But my heart's desire has really always been to be a wife,
To commit myself to someone else until the end of life
As a building block in a family I'd praise God for every night.
But somewhere in between Beyonce and Sex and the City reruns,
My thoughts of a husband got replaced by the thought that I didn't need one.
As a woman in today's world, I'm taught that I don't need none.
Except a couple guys on speed dial that I could call so we can have fun.

And so Hubby got demoted to 'accessory' like some Lou Bous.
See, independent women get to focus their energy into new shoes,
Handbags, hairstyles and name brands. We gotta stay fly
Becuase even though we don't need husbands, we still like to attract guys.
But not all my energy was supposed to go into my ouside.
See, the Independent Women Club does have some guidelines.
Club rule #2: Finish school.
But the key is to do it by yourself.
So, I got busy, got down to work and put God up on the shelf
So I could finish my degree and start my carrer,
Then create a life that meant I'd never come near to uttering the words independent women fear:

"I can't do this by myself...."

You get evicted swiftly from the club if independent women hear
"I cant' do this by myself...."

Your net worth heads south
And suddenly you're left only with the clothes you've flaunted,
An empty home and no man to even watch you flaunt them.
Becuase, really, what man goes where he isn't wanted?
What man goes where he isn't needed?
And even if that's not the case, you've lead him to believe it.
Paraded self-reliance so long, he can't believe you'd leave it -
That life you've built that suits just one...he wants to know where he fits
In your independent world.

So, lonely and confused, I prayed to God and read his Word.
His response:

Stop marketing yourself as an independent girl

That's not how I designed you.

And if you don't let me in your life,  I won't let your husband find you.

See, I've got one of my sons preparing especially to guide you.

To love you like he loves himself and lead your family in my truth.

But you've got work to do, too - 

You're not read to be lead.

Take instruction from my written word, commit it to your head.

Commit it to your life and turn your focus back to me

And use this time of singleness to understand what I've purposed your life to be.

Ever since that talk with God, my attitude's been different.
Single ladies on the radio and I ain't even with it.
My former motto: "I don't need anyone" is both destructive and worthless
Because fellowship with believers has helped me walk into my purpose.
And sometimes I still ask God when hubby's coming. I'm not perfect,
But when you let God do what He does best, the wait is always worth it.

~gg~

Conversations

Thanks for peeking inside my notebook!

I'm a 20-something writer who is on a journey to get to know God better. These are my conversations with Him, about Him and about myself on that journey.  Some stuff will be pretty personal, some funny, some not-so-funny, all very honest.

Whether you know Him or not, you're welcome to read about my discoveries in the pages of my notebook.

~gg~