A letter to my Son (Six Word Saturday)

Sometimes I write things that I can't say out loud, either because I don't have the confidence or opportunity. My son (and the love of my life) is a well-adjusted, happy seven-year-old, but I often wonder how my choices will affect him and for some of those choices, I feel he deserves an apology. 

I wrote this a while back and never did anything with it...in fact, I think I wrote this just before I wrote Baby Mama (I'll link to that piece once I post it.) But today's six words just describe what is embedded in this piece:

A Letter Written to my Son

There's something about holding a pen to the paper helps me to release...

It is as if writing helps me to purge my mind of the offensive thoughts that are held as prisoners in these brain cells.
"Silence!" is what my brain yells
as memories, regrets and wishes fight each other for a chance to escape.
Even when I am not writing about you
or about the things I wish I could do
or about the truths in my life that I wish were un-true,
the deeds I wish I could un-do....
writing helps me to break away from the thoughts that circulate through my system
and like a cholesterol-rich diet, clog up my natural and necessary functioning,
causing my heart to ache and often to arrest,
slowing to a halt in my chest.
But somehow,
picking up a pen changes that.
My thoughts run back
from my heart, through my veins.
My pen cuts me at the fingers and my thoughts bleed on the page,
showing my eyes my very own real.
I can write the words i cannot say
(and often wish I could not feel.)

Words like:

Dear Baby Boy,

Please forgive me for all the things i can't be to you.
For being young
and strong
and ambitions
and wrong
a lot of the time.
For having so many questions
but not all of your answers.

I'm sorry.

For not being able to teach you how to stand to pee.
For our own definition of the word family...
which means that sometimes I can be there to tuck you in at night,
turn off the light,
and check under your bed for monsters.
I'm sorry that sometimes I take up a space on your bed.
It's just that, like Aerosmith said:
I would stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
because with that sound and smile in my head
it's not as hard for me to leave you with grandma and papa so I can try to give you all the things you need
and some of the things you want, too.
Even though sometimes my best won't do...
I'll try for you.

I'm sorry.

For letting him treat me differently than I hope you will treat a woman one day.
For the things I let him say.
For the amount of time I stayed.
You never saw those things - just mommy's tears,
but even that was too much...
I hope that, through  my whispered prayers at night,
your memories can instead be shaped
by the smile you see (that you've put on my face)
and the happiness found by God's grace
that gives me the strength to keep writing.

To keep fighting
for us both.
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Play Six Word Saturday along with Cate at Show My Face.  The premise: Describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. Sounds easy, right? It is....and fun, too!!  Click on the button to see what other six words people are putting together.

~gg~

Confessions and struggles

I'm a great actor. No, seriously, I am.  I had my church family convinced (for years) that I was a model Christian. At the same time, I had my teachers convinced that I was a model student, had my boyfriends convinced that I was a ride or die chick and had my parents convinced that I was still their innocent angel.  Me and God were the only ones who knew what I really was: lost and confused.

A Work in Progress isn't my first blog. It's actually my third. I ran a blog called Pen to Pages for the greater portion of the last year.  It mainly focussed on my writing and spoken word-related activities, and had some content that's a bit questionable in terms of what I would now consider appropriate. So I shut it down. Actually, I shut it down, went into hiding, changed my pen name and hauled booty to a new blog. Twice.

Now, I tell you these seemingly unrelated pieces of information to illustrate my struggle - the need to look perfect in every situation. I reeeaaallly struggle with appearances.  Not physically as much, but what is appropriate for the situation. I know I'm imperfect (see the name of the blog), but there's something about my journey to get closer to God that, for some reason, I feel needs to look a certain way. So I abandoned my old blog, cut off my followers and built this one as a separate blogger so I could have a fresh start. In speaking with my brother about the new blog, he pointed out that my selfishness (my word, not his) could actually be robbing people of the opportunity to see what God can do. Really, what's the point of this blog if I'm going to be selective with sharing the amazing, life-changing joy I have since letting God do what He does??  I had built a reputation of being a talented writer and an hurt, angry, single woman - used by a number of past relationships and damaged by bad decisions - but none of my past blog-followers get to see the other side of the coin.

This is a part of my struggle: to stop trying to make things look the way I want them to look and get out of God's way. Pride sucks.

The day is coming when your pride will be brought low and the LORD alone will be exalted. 

Isaiah 2:11

I hope so....

~gg~

Music Monday

I love music. There are few things I like more. So when I find a good song, there is nothing that hurts my ears more than a bad remix of it.  Fortunately, this remix is not of the ear-hurting variety.  It's a G.O.D. rendition of Chris Brown's Duces - now with a Jesus twist.

Agree? Disagree? Whaddya think?

~gg~

Six Word Saturday

Actions do speak louder than words

I guess it should be expected that when you live/speak/behave a certain way for, oh, over a quarter of a century, changing this pattern is going to come as a surprise to people who know you. Nevertheless, I'm still getting used to it when I politely decline to join my friends at bar or club (for example) and then they make this face:

"Why not??"

Then after I explain why I'm not really into that type of entertainment anymore, I get this: "Oh! So, you're serious about this God thing!"

Yeah. I am. But I guess I'll just have to let my actions be the proof. After all, talk is cheap, right?

~gg~
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Join Cate over at Show my Face every Saturday as she hosts Six Word Saturdays. Click on the button to see what six words others have to share and, maybe, share your own.

Conversations with God

I was angry with God last week. 

"Why?" you may ask. Well....in short, because I asked Him for something and He gave it to me. Then I realized I didn't really want it. So I was mad. Should've been at myself, but......work in progress. Here's how it went down:
** names have been changed to protect he innocent :) **


Me: Dear Heavenly Father, please show me Jerky McNice-Guy's true colours.

God: Okay.


(Time elapses)

Me: Dear Dad, I don't understand why Jerky McNice-Guy is being so much jerkier to me all of a sudden.

God: Uh, remember that conversation we had a little while back? Well, there you go - true colours, as promised. 

Me: Noooo!! That's not what I meant.  What I meant was, "Please make Jerky McNice-Guy into Friendly McCool-Dude!!"

God: Yeah.....that's not what you said at all. Trust me, this way is better. Love you!

So, I was mad at God. Even though He gave me what I had asked and confirmed what I already suspected. My comfort came in knowing that He knows better than I do. So, it's all working for my good. An early heads up is appreciated.....

....but it took a minute for me to appreciate it. 

Thanks God.

~gg~

Music Monday

Today's choice: Fly Away by Rhema Soul off their Album Fingerprints (which is currently on repeat on my iPod). 

Happy Music Monday....Enjoy!

~gg~

Something I learned in church today

My church is currently doing a 10-week focus on the 10 commandments and today's sermon was on:

"You shall not murder." Exodus 20:13 (NIV)

On the surface, this one seems pretty easy.  Do not pick up, use or wield any instrument or part of your body to intentionally end another human's life. No problem. I'll leave the gun at the shooting range, the knives in the kitchen.  Christians and non-Christians alike are usually in agreement on this one.  However, as my pastor began getting deeper into the message, he illustrated how this particular commandment gets glossed over when looking at issues that are slightly more controversial in the world.  Case in point - abortion.

I saw a video a week or so ago that will stay with me forever and it couples nicely with today's message. It's the story of an abortion survivor. Yep, you read that right.

Listen to her story...

~gg~

This week's challenge

Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good.

(Romans 12:9 NLT)

This is my current struggle. Let's face it, not everyone in our lives is easy to love. It might be a family member, a friend we've had for years, a classmate, a supervisor or a co-worker (that last one was for me!) - but there is someone who knows how to push out buttons.  Recently, I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be nice to the person in my life who is like that.  "If nothing else," I thought "I'll just pretend to like her."

Then I read Romans.

This particular passage of scripture doesn't say anything about me having to be her best friend, but it does say that my love should be genuine. I'm not just glossing over with a smile and then cursing her behind her back....which I'm tempted to do sometimes. So, I'm praying for a forgiving and patient heart without hate or malice and the capacity to genuinely love....even her. 

I told you guys already: I'm a work in progress.

~gg~

How'd I get HERE??!?

I grew up in church. So, God and Jesus and salvation and the whole deal isn't exactly new to me. What is new is the concept that, well, any of that matters in my life.

I used to go to church with my parents and my brothers every Sunday, dressed up in my good clothes, with an ever-increasing indifference to the reason we were spending a quarter of the weekend at this building. I would play with my friends, sing a few songs, learn about a whale or a (now vacant) garden and then chuck the information into the back of my mind until we would rinse and repeat the following week. They were nice stories, but I just wanted to see my friends - especially as I became a teenager. I mean, we had all grown up together in that church and I wanted to get back to them to find out what had happened in their lives during the six days we had been separated. I actually gave my life to God at one point when I was younger, but the act was discredited by so many adults around me, that I soon believed that it was insignificant and returned to doing what I wanted to do. I gave God 5 hours of my Sunday every week, broken up by social exercises for my socio-emotional development. Then I tucked Him away with my teen study bible for a week.

Then I tucked Him away for a few years.

My trips to church became less frequent as I got older, as my friends moved on or away and as I began to make choices that "church folk" frown upon. I wasn't one to deal with the anticipated judgment, so I kept my pregnant belly and unwed self at home....where it was safe from the disapproving stares of those who I had come to know as my extended family. I was 19 and pregnant 6 weeks into my freshman year of university and acutely unaware of the challenges that would visit me as I continued through life trying to do things all by myself. I wish I had known then what I know now; I could have saved myself years of stress and trouble.

Fast forward through: ending the relationship with my son's father, multiple emotionally abusive relationships, an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, copious amounts of self-destructive behaviour, and countless bad decisions to a time of a complete and utter loss of control.  I was doing whatever - really, whatever -  I wanted to make myself feel better and nothing was working. I couldn't drink away the hurt. I couldn't find happiness in the guys I was with. I needed more. The only thing I was doing well was being a mother and I was running out of energy and drive to do that.

I needed to be filled up because I was running on Empty.

I never forgot about God. I just never asked Him to do what I was trying to do myself. Something inside me would always flash to Him in time of trouble, but I had no faith that trusting Him would be better than what I was doing. That is, until I recognized Him as the only possible answer to my hundred thousand questions.

One day, I met a man that had a past like mine - full of bad decisions and stress.  We were performing in a show together and got to talking. He told me that he had come into a relationship with Christ while serving time in jail.  During the conversation, I couldn't help but take notice of the calm and contentment that he had and it was exactly what I was seeking. I wanted what he had and when he told me what it was - a new life in Christ....I realized that it wasn't enough to just know about God; I had to start trusting Him.

My life was different from that day. I stopped looking within the world for the solutions to my broken-ness and called, unabashedly, on Christ to do what He came to do - take all that mess on his shoulders so I don't have to feel its weight. I got a fresh start!!

God's still working on me. I'm still working on letting go of the thought that I know better. I'm a work in progress, but I see (and feel) the difference of having God directing my life everyday.  So, now I'm just trying to figure out how to multiply that feeling, keep it, get deeper into it. Letting Him in was the easy part - I just had to say what I already knew:

I'm messing up. I'm sorry. I'm ready to do something different.

The hardest part has been trying to cut out the stuff I've come to rely on, but it's a process. I hope that by writing about my journey, it will help me to do better, to be better. But I never imagined it could even be this good....

Video: Imagine by Yomi - www.myspace.com/theofficialyomi

~gg~

Independent Woman

I was trying to find a balance
But with so many conflicting viewpoints, achieving it was quite a challenge.
I wanted to exist somewhere between being Miss Independent and doing my own thing
And allowing myself to want the man who'd dress my finger with a ring.
And, here's the thing:
Yeah, the piece of jewelery is nice,
But my heart's desire has really always been to be a wife,
To commit myself to someone else until the end of life
As a building block in a family I'd praise God for every night.
But somewhere in between Beyonce and Sex and the City reruns,
My thoughts of a husband got replaced by the thought that I didn't need one.
As a woman in today's world, I'm taught that I don't need none.
Except a couple guys on speed dial that I could call so we can have fun.

And so Hubby got demoted to 'accessory' like some Lou Bous.
See, independent women get to focus their energy into new shoes,
Handbags, hairstyles and name brands. We gotta stay fly
Becuase even though we don't need husbands, we still like to attract guys.
But not all my energy was supposed to go into my ouside.
See, the Independent Women Club does have some guidelines.
Club rule #2: Finish school.
But the key is to do it by yourself.
So, I got busy, got down to work and put God up on the shelf
So I could finish my degree and start my carrer,
Then create a life that meant I'd never come near to uttering the words independent women fear:

"I can't do this by myself...."

You get evicted swiftly from the club if independent women hear
"I cant' do this by myself...."

Your net worth heads south
And suddenly you're left only with the clothes you've flaunted,
An empty home and no man to even watch you flaunt them.
Becuase, really, what man goes where he isn't wanted?
What man goes where he isn't needed?
And even if that's not the case, you've lead him to believe it.
Paraded self-reliance so long, he can't believe you'd leave it -
That life you've built that suits just one...he wants to know where he fits
In your independent world.

So, lonely and confused, I prayed to God and read his Word.
His response:

Stop marketing yourself as an independent girl

That's not how I designed you.

And if you don't let me in your life,  I won't let your husband find you.

See, I've got one of my sons preparing especially to guide you.

To love you like he loves himself and lead your family in my truth.

But you've got work to do, too - 

You're not read to be lead.

Take instruction from my written word, commit it to your head.

Commit it to your life and turn your focus back to me

And use this time of singleness to understand what I've purposed your life to be.

Ever since that talk with God, my attitude's been different.
Single ladies on the radio and I ain't even with it.
My former motto: "I don't need anyone" is both destructive and worthless
Because fellowship with believers has helped me walk into my purpose.
And sometimes I still ask God when hubby's coming. I'm not perfect,
But when you let God do what He does best, the wait is always worth it.

~gg~

Conversations

Thanks for peeking inside my notebook!

I'm a 20-something writer who is on a journey to get to know God better. These are my conversations with Him, about Him and about myself on that journey.  Some stuff will be pretty personal, some funny, some not-so-funny, all very honest.

Whether you know Him or not, you're welcome to read about my discoveries in the pages of my notebook.

~gg~