A letter to my Son (Six Word Saturday)

Sometimes I write things that I can't say out loud, either because I don't have the confidence or opportunity. My son (and the love of my life) is a well-adjusted, happy seven-year-old, but I often wonder how my choices will affect him and for some of those choices, I feel he deserves an apology. 

I wrote this a while back and never did anything with it...in fact, I think I wrote this just before I wrote Baby Mama (I'll link to that piece once I post it.) But today's six words just describe what is embedded in this piece:

A Letter Written to my Son

There's something about holding a pen to the paper helps me to release...

It is as if writing helps me to purge my mind of the offensive thoughts that are held as prisoners in these brain cells.
"Silence!" is what my brain yells
as memories, regrets and wishes fight each other for a chance to escape.
Even when I am not writing about you
or about the things I wish I could do
or about the truths in my life that I wish were un-true,
the deeds I wish I could un-do....
writing helps me to break away from the thoughts that circulate through my system
and like a cholesterol-rich diet, clog up my natural and necessary functioning,
causing my heart to ache and often to arrest,
slowing to a halt in my chest.
But somehow,
picking up a pen changes that.
My thoughts run back
from my heart, through my veins.
My pen cuts me at the fingers and my thoughts bleed on the page,
showing my eyes my very own real.
I can write the words i cannot say
(and often wish I could not feel.)

Words like:

Dear Baby Boy,

Please forgive me for all the things i can't be to you.
For being young
and strong
and ambitions
and wrong
a lot of the time.
For having so many questions
but not all of your answers.

I'm sorry.

For not being able to teach you how to stand to pee.
For our own definition of the word family...
which means that sometimes I can be there to tuck you in at night,
turn off the light,
and check under your bed for monsters.
I'm sorry that sometimes I take up a space on your bed.
It's just that, like Aerosmith said:
I would stay awake just to hear you breathing
watch you smile while you are sleeping
because with that sound and smile in my head
it's not as hard for me to leave you with grandma and papa so I can try to give you all the things you need
and some of the things you want, too.
Even though sometimes my best won't do...
I'll try for you.

I'm sorry.

For letting him treat me differently than I hope you will treat a woman one day.
For the things I let him say.
For the amount of time I stayed.
You never saw those things - just mommy's tears,
but even that was too much...
I hope that, through  my whispered prayers at night,
your memories can instead be shaped
by the smile you see (that you've put on my face)
and the happiness found by God's grace
that gives me the strength to keep writing.

To keep fighting
for us both.
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Play Six Word Saturday along with Cate at Show My Face.  The premise: Describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. Sounds easy, right? It is....and fun, too!!  Click on the button to see what other six words people are putting together.

~gg~