Imperfection

It's amazing what God can use as tools to bring us to Him.

I was on Twitter last night when I got the message: The devil wants to condemn and judge you, putting you in fear of sharing what you have overcome. Share; when you share you overcome the enemy.

After writing yesterday's post, I battled myself for most of the day, trying to decide how much of myself I should share because, well...I act, dress, and think very differently now that I'm a believer than I did when I was in the world. I'm not proud of some of my past moments, but I recognize the power of sharing the places that God has literally saved me from. Sooo....I guess there is no time like the present.

In those days, when you were slaves of sin, you weren't concerned with doing what was right. And what was the result? It was not good, since now you are ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. 

(Romans 6: 20-23 NLT)

This story (performed spoken) was written a while ago...about a time before that.....

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I have what you would call an 'addictive personality'.

That means that I am more likely than most to turn a habit into a compulsion, an idea into an obsession. I am inclined to take a casual indulgence and create a dependence on it so strong that I would then be classified as an “addict.”

I think that’s what attracted me to him in the first place. He was my casual indulgence. He made me high.

I was never addicted to nicotine, alcohol, cocaine. I didn’t find myself allowing drugs rob me of money, time or energy. I couldn’t fathom the idea of letting a tangible object control the way I felt.

But ED was different.

I knew about his reputation. I had seen the havoc he could wreak in the lives of the women that gave you the time of day; the ones that were seduced by his charm and manipulated by his lies. I had even heard that he had experimented with some boys. You see, Ed didn’t see gender, race, sexuality….he was interested in everyone that was interested in him. But at the end of the day, he really had a way with the ladies. ED, he was a shape-shifter.  Like a fugitive, he was constantly altering his presentation so that on first, second, and even third encounter, he was virtually unrecognizable.  I knew what he could do, so I think that if I had recognized him from the beginning, we wouldn’t have gotten in so deep.

But I never saw him coming.

ED showed up at the perfect time – just on the sunny side of mourning a relationship that ended at the same time as my self-esteem. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl who was imperfect. Unloved. Sub-par. Unpretty. He saw the potential I had to be amazing. Enviable. Beautiful.

Perfect.

That’s how he got me. With the promise of perfection. And so, I followed his lead. ED showed me that I already had the tools to do what was needed – I had determination, motivation, discipline, self-control. That was the key. I had control. I loved control. That was my drug of choice and he handed me an endless supply. And every time I showed my strength and kept things under control, he helped me to see a better version of myself…but he never took credit for it. It’s like he was my silent coach – never wanting to be acknowledged, spoken of…

...and I was so high.

People were noticing the change in me. They were amazed by my discipline. Envied my ability to work toward my goal. Said I looked gorgeous. Everything he told me they would say, they said and their affirmations fed my addiction.  You see, nobody had changed the way I looked for me.  I did that.  I decided how hard to work, what to eat....and that sort of power was intoxicating.  So, I had to keep following him. Even though he began to raise the bar on expectations.

More work. More discipline. More results.

I wanted the results. But I was tired. Giving in to tiredness makes you weak, he said. Work harder. And I was hungry. Eating more makes you weak, he said. Eat less. He made me punish myself until I heard his words come alive in my voice. Do you want to go back to being fat and unloved and unnoticed? Do you want people to think you can’t do this? Do you want to be a failure? 

Of course not….so I pushed on, giving up one destructive relationship for another. Addicted to the control…not realizing that control was exactly what I was losing.

It was as he began to show his true colours that I finally understood why he didn’t want to be acknowledged. If I had ever told people about the mess I was involved with, they would've told me to turn my back and run like hell. But I didn't recognize him.  It took the careful observation of a friend and her courage to call him by name for me to realize who the monster was that I had come to love.

I hate that he still comes around. I hate it when I see him with other women because I know what he will do to them, too. I hate that his words are still in my head and that when I look in the mirror, I see a girl that needs to be improved instead of a woman that needs to be embraced. And, yes, I’m still getting over him – probably will for the rest of my life, or at least as long as it takes me to not be afraid to call him by name. See, ED isn’t really his name, but rather, his initials: E.D. I've always hated using his name when telling people about my relationship with him. I prefer ED, because his full name - Eating Disorder - makes it sound like something’s wrong with me and, finally, I know that’s not the case.

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Update: My mind went back to this time of my life after my little run-in with chocolate last week. I'm praying about it (I hope you will, too)...God's working on me. But I'm blessed and free from this type of addiction today.

~gg~