Enemies of faith

I got a message of encouragement yesterday at church...which is exactly what I needed to refocus my faith (and revisit my blog).

It was a message on faith and enemies of faith: ignorance, unbelief, fear, doubt and discouragement. I sat there taking notes like I was preparing for an exam and realized just how many times I had let discouragement shake my faith. Whether it was on the day that I needed to finish a spoken word piece for a  show or realizing that nobody is reading the blog post I was so excited about or while watching Say Yes to the Dress wondering why so many of my friends had said their "I do's" and I was still just.....I. My faith was so shaky sometimes that I would ask other people to pray for me because I was struggling just to pray for myself.

But yesterday in two separate instances I was encouraged and reminded that faith is a powerful thing....and discouragement creeps in like a whisper and wipes out your power like a tsunami.

So I'm blogging again. I'm encouraged to keep praying, keep learning, keep growing, keep sharing and keep my faith strong.

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave his approval to people in days of old because of their faith. By faith we understand that the entire universe was formed at God's command, that what we now see did not come from anything that can be seen.

(Hebrews 11:1-3 NLT)

...And since it's also Music Monday, enjoy this little ditty by Level 3:16.






~gg~

A blog of obligation

Today's post is short. Because I don't want to post at all. Because I'm tired and it's been one of those days I've been having lately where I have to recite the fruit of the spirit to myself before addressing my coworkers. One of those weeks composed of the days I just described. One of those months where I've committed to blogging daily, despite the trouble.

I sat on the floor in the hallway of my school yesterday with a 15 year old girl as she poured her heart out over a struggle she was having about a boy. She is the archetype young Christian girl who likes the archetype bad boy. She wants to save him. He's in and out of jail. She swears she treats her like a princess. He isn't responding to her pleas for him to change.  She doesn't know what to do.  Sitting on the floor, crying, she asked me what she should do. So I told her what I thought. I had been there, played that role and had some honest, older, experienced words for her. We talked, we hugged, she felt better - but she still had a decision to make.

I need that now.

I need someone - an older woman, maybe a decade or so my senior - to share with me their experience from being a twenty-something Christian, career-oriented single-parent who is experiencing frustration at work to tell me what she did. I need someone to sit on the floor with me while I cry my soul out to her. I need her honest, older, experienced words. Her talk. Her hug. I need to feel better.

Maybe then I'll feel like blogging....

~gg~

A Question for God

Why is spiritual discipline so much harder than physical?

That's the question on deck this morning as I prepare for a long day at work and pack for the gym time I'll fit in afterward - when I'm tired and want to just sleep.  I've already touched on my food-related self control issues in a previous post, but outside of that, my self-discipline is, well, satisfactory. Physically.  I'll get up at 5am for a workout, push out the extra few reps at the gym, train like an athlete (even when I'm not competing) all under my own discipline. I know the goal and I'm willing to work for it.  Somehow though, when a much larger, significantly more substantial reward is at stake (see: salvation), remaining disciplined is waaaayyyy harder.

Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win. All athletes practice strict self-control. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step. I am not like a boxer who misses his punches. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. 

(1 Corinthians 9:24-27 NLT)

This blog is about my growth. This is an area in which I need to grow.....I need to spiritually grow the heck up. It's not that I don't want to be the most spiritually disciplined chick on the block, it's just a constant struggle to purpose every single step.  Only through prayer and grace....

~gg~

Imperfection

It's amazing what God can use as tools to bring us to Him.

I was on Twitter last night when I got the message: The devil wants to condemn and judge you, putting you in fear of sharing what you have overcome. Share; when you share you overcome the enemy.

After writing yesterday's post, I battled myself for most of the day, trying to decide how much of myself I should share because, well...I act, dress, and think very differently now that I'm a believer than I did when I was in the world. I'm not proud of some of my past moments, but I recognize the power of sharing the places that God has literally saved me from. Sooo....I guess there is no time like the present.

In those days, when you were slaves of sin, you weren't concerned with doing what was right. And what was the result? It was not good, since now you are ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. 

(Romans 6: 20-23 NLT)

This story (performed spoken) was written a while ago...about a time before that.....

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I have what you would call an 'addictive personality'.

That means that I am more likely than most to turn a habit into a compulsion, an idea into an obsession. I am inclined to take a casual indulgence and create a dependence on it so strong that I would then be classified as an “addict.”

I think that’s what attracted me to him in the first place. He was my casual indulgence. He made me high.

I was never addicted to nicotine, alcohol, cocaine. I didn’t find myself allowing drugs rob me of money, time or energy. I couldn’t fathom the idea of letting a tangible object control the way I felt.

But ED was different.

I knew about his reputation. I had seen the havoc he could wreak in the lives of the women that gave you the time of day; the ones that were seduced by his charm and manipulated by his lies. I had even heard that he had experimented with some boys. You see, Ed didn’t see gender, race, sexuality….he was interested in everyone that was interested in him. But at the end of the day, he really had a way with the ladies. ED, he was a shape-shifter.  Like a fugitive, he was constantly altering his presentation so that on first, second, and even third encounter, he was virtually unrecognizable.  I knew what he could do, so I think that if I had recognized him from the beginning, we wouldn’t have gotten in so deep.

But I never saw him coming.

ED showed up at the perfect time – just on the sunny side of mourning a relationship that ended at the same time as my self-esteem. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl who was imperfect. Unloved. Sub-par. Unpretty. He saw the potential I had to be amazing. Enviable. Beautiful.

Perfect.

That’s how he got me. With the promise of perfection. And so, I followed his lead. ED showed me that I already had the tools to do what was needed – I had determination, motivation, discipline, self-control. That was the key. I had control. I loved control. That was my drug of choice and he handed me an endless supply. And every time I showed my strength and kept things under control, he helped me to see a better version of myself…but he never took credit for it. It’s like he was my silent coach – never wanting to be acknowledged, spoken of…

...and I was so high.

People were noticing the change in me. They were amazed by my discipline. Envied my ability to work toward my goal. Said I looked gorgeous. Everything he told me they would say, they said and their affirmations fed my addiction.  You see, nobody had changed the way I looked for me.  I did that.  I decided how hard to work, what to eat....and that sort of power was intoxicating.  So, I had to keep following him. Even though he began to raise the bar on expectations.

More work. More discipline. More results.

I wanted the results. But I was tired. Giving in to tiredness makes you weak, he said. Work harder. And I was hungry. Eating more makes you weak, he said. Eat less. He made me punish myself until I heard his words come alive in my voice. Do you want to go back to being fat and unloved and unnoticed? Do you want people to think you can’t do this? Do you want to be a failure? 

Of course not….so I pushed on, giving up one destructive relationship for another. Addicted to the control…not realizing that control was exactly what I was losing.

It was as he began to show his true colours that I finally understood why he didn’t want to be acknowledged. If I had ever told people about the mess I was involved with, they would've told me to turn my back and run like hell. But I didn't recognize him.  It took the careful observation of a friend and her courage to call him by name for me to realize who the monster was that I had come to love.

I hate that he still comes around. I hate it when I see him with other women because I know what he will do to them, too. I hate that his words are still in my head and that when I look in the mirror, I see a girl that needs to be improved instead of a woman that needs to be embraced. And, yes, I’m still getting over him – probably will for the rest of my life, or at least as long as it takes me to not be afraid to call him by name. See, ED isn’t really his name, but rather, his initials: E.D. I've always hated using his name when telling people about my relationship with him. I prefer ED, because his full name - Eating Disorder - makes it sound like something’s wrong with me and, finally, I know that’s not the case.

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Update: My mind went back to this time of my life after my little run-in with chocolate last week. I'm praying about it (I hope you will, too)...God's working on me. But I'm blessed and free from this type of addiction today.

~gg~

My little addiction....

The first thought in my head when I woke up last Sunday morning was, "Uuughh....I can't believe I ate six chocolate bars yesterday." And they weren't the mini Halloween-type chocolates that you can get away with eating four or five of without anyone batting an eye. These were full sized, Skor, Milky Way and Twix bars (even one King Size) that I downed over the course of an afternoon with my family over a football game and shopping. On Sunday morning I was so ashamed of my over-indulgence that I jumped on my brother's stair climber and desperately tried to out-step my chocolate sin.

12 minutes into the workout I realized I was in hot water. (But that's tomorrow's story.)

Anyhoo, when I came home from visiting my brother in Chicago and returned to work, I told my co-worker (let's call her Ms. Churchy) about the excessive snacking and we decided to go on a week-long fast of our vices. Today happens to be Day 7 of that fast and I find myself counting down the hours until I can have a little Twix bar. (I bought some of that discount Halloween on Nov 1st as incentives for my students and plan to eat a few myself.  I may not celebrate with ghouls and goblins, but I'll sure as heck take advantage of the discounts!!)  Here's the thing: going 7 days with no sweets hasnt' really been all that hard. Yeah, I see a treat and would like to have it, but I can walk away without breaking into a cold sweat.  What I do have a problem with is stopping when I start.  So tomorrow when I arrive at work I'm going to peel back the golden wrapper on that 10g log of goodness and enjoy every morsel of it slowly......then I'll likely pocket a handful of them and finish them all before the national anthem starts.  Once I open the floodgates it's hard to stop.

I don't really want to swear off chocolate forever, but I lack self-control in this area and, though chocolate may not seem like a big deal, a lack of self-control certainly is. Don't trust me, trust the Word:

Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop these virtues are blind or, at least, very shortsighted. They have already forgotten that God has cleansed them from their old life of sin. (2 Peter 1: 6-9 NLT)

My only answer for this is the same answer that I have for resiting other temptations that I can predict/foresee, and that is by not putting myself in situations that might cause me to fall/(over)indulge. At this point it's not really the chocolate - it's the principle - that I'm concerned with.  So, I'm keeping the bags (yes, bags) of Halloween candy at work, not at home. I've told Ms. Churchy about my struggle and asked for her support to keep me accountable. I'm praying continually for God to keep me from situations in which I might be tempted and for the strength to resist when I do come upon temptation.

I'll keep ya updated....

~gg~

Music Monday

I need to listen to this song every single morning so that I remember to play the background and let God take the lead. The more I remember this, the easier life becomes and the more successful I am at overcoming daily challenges and tests. Enjoy Background by Lecrae ft. C-Lite on this Music Monday.







~gg~

Confessions and struggles

I'm a great actor. No, seriously, I am.  I had my church family convinced (for years) that I was a model Christian. At the same time, I had my teachers convinced that I was a model student, had my boyfriends convinced that I was a ride or die chick and had my parents convinced that I was still their innocent angel.  Me and God were the only ones who knew what I really was: lost and confused.

A Work in Progress isn't my first blog. It's actually my third. I ran a blog called Pen to Pages for the greater portion of the last year.  It mainly focussed on my writing and spoken word-related activities, and had some content that's a bit questionable in terms of what I would now consider appropriate. So I shut it down. Actually, I shut it down, went into hiding, changed my pen name and hauled booty to a new blog. Twice.

Now, I tell you these seemingly unrelated pieces of information to illustrate my struggle - the need to look perfect in every situation. I reeeaaallly struggle with appearances.  Not physically as much, but what is appropriate for the situation. I know I'm imperfect (see the name of the blog), but there's something about my journey to get closer to God that, for some reason, I feel needs to look a certain way. So I abandoned my old blog, cut off my followers and built this one as a separate blogger so I could have a fresh start. In speaking with my brother about the new blog, he pointed out that my selfishness (my word, not his) could actually be robbing people of the opportunity to see what God can do. Really, what's the point of this blog if I'm going to be selective with sharing the amazing, life-changing joy I have since letting God do what He does??  I had built a reputation of being a talented writer and an hurt, angry, single woman - used by a number of past relationships and damaged by bad decisions - but none of my past blog-followers get to see the other side of the coin.

This is a part of my struggle: to stop trying to make things look the way I want them to look and get out of God's way. Pride sucks.

The day is coming when your pride will be brought low and the LORD alone will be exalted. 

Isaiah 2:11

I hope so....

~gg~

Six Word Saturday

Actions do speak louder than words

I guess it should be expected that when you live/speak/behave a certain way for, oh, over a quarter of a century, changing this pattern is going to come as a surprise to people who know you. Nevertheless, I'm still getting used to it when I politely decline to join my friends at bar or club (for example) and then they make this face:

"Why not??"

Then after I explain why I'm not really into that type of entertainment anymore, I get this: "Oh! So, you're serious about this God thing!"

Yeah. I am. But I guess I'll just have to let my actions be the proof. After all, talk is cheap, right?

~gg~
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Join Cate over at Show my Face every Saturday as she hosts Six Word Saturdays. Click on the button to see what six words others have to share and, maybe, share your own.

Conversations with God

I was angry with God last week. 

"Why?" you may ask. Well....in short, because I asked Him for something and He gave it to me. Then I realized I didn't really want it. So I was mad. Should've been at myself, but......work in progress. Here's how it went down:
** names have been changed to protect he innocent :) **


Me: Dear Heavenly Father, please show me Jerky McNice-Guy's true colours.

God: Okay.


(Time elapses)

Me: Dear Dad, I don't understand why Jerky McNice-Guy is being so much jerkier to me all of a sudden.

God: Uh, remember that conversation we had a little while back? Well, there you go - true colours, as promised. 

Me: Noooo!! That's not what I meant.  What I meant was, "Please make Jerky McNice-Guy into Friendly McCool-Dude!!"

God: Yeah.....that's not what you said at all. Trust me, this way is better. Love you!

So, I was mad at God. Even though He gave me what I had asked and confirmed what I already suspected. My comfort came in knowing that He knows better than I do. So, it's all working for my good. An early heads up is appreciated.....

....but it took a minute for me to appreciate it. 

Thanks God.

~gg~

This week's challenge

Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good.

(Romans 12:9 NLT)

This is my current struggle. Let's face it, not everyone in our lives is easy to love. It might be a family member, a friend we've had for years, a classmate, a supervisor or a co-worker (that last one was for me!) - but there is someone who knows how to push out buttons.  Recently, I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be nice to the person in my life who is like that.  "If nothing else," I thought "I'll just pretend to like her."

Then I read Romans.

This particular passage of scripture doesn't say anything about me having to be her best friend, but it does say that my love should be genuine. I'm not just glossing over with a smile and then cursing her behind her back....which I'm tempted to do sometimes. So, I'm praying for a forgiving and patient heart without hate or malice and the capacity to genuinely love....even her. 

I told you guys already: I'm a work in progress.

~gg~